A Lesson in Identity

From March 5-8, I had the privilege of attending InterVarsity's annual Black Campus Ministries Staff Conference in Raleigh, North Carolina. It was an incredibly refreshing experience. It felt like family, and the content was literally amazing. Reverend Jackie Thompson (from Allen Temple Baptist Church in Oakland) preached in the mornings, and it was food for our souls. Some highlights for me: She first preached out of 1 Kings 19 when Elijah was complaining to God after a big ministry success, and God called him to anoint Elisha as the next prophet. She said "sometimes God doesn't deal with your feelings, He just gives you a new action plan." The next day she taught out of Mark 5 and the bleeding woman who touched Jesus' cloak, and what spoke to me was when she said "Sometimes God allows things to stay in our life to change us." It was some good stuff. And I was amazed that she taught the whole time with zero notes. I do not have that gift.

A highlight of the conference for me was on the first day when we broke up in to groups to talk about reaching Black students on campus in all their diversity. We joined the group that we felt we could contribute the most to, and the options were: African-Americans in a Black context, African-Americans in a non-Black context, African nationals, Caribbeans, Historically Black College and University (HBCU) students, and Multi-Racial students. I joined the Multi-Racial student group, and 5 of us sat down and thought about: What is the religious context of our group? What are the cultural values? What are the influential voices or poets? What are the stumbling blocks to the Gospel for this group? And what are potential bridges to the Gospel?
It was fascinating to think about, and it also helped me learn more about myself as a Multi-Racial person. We talked about how often community can be a struggle for Multi-Racial people. I didn't realize it until that moment, but I realized how when I walk in to a room full of new people, immediately my "radar" goes on. Will I be "enough" to this person? Or to this person? Will this person or group be able to handle my complexity? Or will they only see me from a limited perspective? We as Multi-Racial people often anticipate rejection or feeling outside a group, and therefore we anticipate isolation.
We talked about how absolutes can be a struggle for Multi-Racial people, because that is not their reality- it isn't their experience. This can be a stumbling block to the Gospel, because God is an absolute. But it helps me and I think many other Multi-Racial students when faith and following God is presented in a way that makes room for complexity, and is not stuck in black and white thinking. The experience and need for complexity can also be a bridge to the Gospel, and has been for me, because of course, Jesus can handle my complexity, where few others can. It makes a big difference to me when a community can handle my complexity too.But I think Americans need to get used to this complexity and tension, because by 2050 Multi-Racial people will be 20% of the US population. We're growing. Fast.
What has been a struggle for me at times has been that when I am in majority Black contexts, I can get the feeling of being "not enough". But many times when I am in majority culture (white) contexts, my ethnicity is completely disregarded and seen as unimportant, when it is of immense importance to me, and very much colors how I live and see the world, and who God has made me to be. So it can feel like I am not fully seen or understood.  It is always a blessing for me when neither of those scenarios occur. Unfortunately it tends to be a pleasant surprise, and not the norm.


Each group presented the material they came up with, and it was so amazing to see the incredible diversity that exists within Black people, and the challenges and opportunities that exist for reaching the diversity of Black students on campus.

But it was also very good for me to learn more about myself.

On the plane trips to and from the conference I was also reading Beverly Daniel Tatum's "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" which is a psychologist and a professors' discussion of the process of racial identity development. Fascinating, and so helpful. Everyone should probably read that book. I don't know what's taken me so long to read it, since we always have students read the chapter about White identity development at FUI.

Culture and ethnicity are so fascinating to me, and so important for me to discover who I am and what that means for living in this world.

10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained

I feel like most of what I do on this blog is post interesting things that other people write... some of that may come from my history degree: we were taught to look through sources to find pieces that we wanted to include in our original writing. So here's me putting my degree to work!
I saw this post by Eugene Cho (who is an amazing pastor in Seattle that I saw speak at a Fuller justice conference I went to in 2011- he has a great blog: http://eugenecho.com/) on Sojourners website (also awesome: http://sojo.net/) and it made me laugh. Women in ministry is the one of the few topics I get slightly militant about. This has gotten me into trouble in the past. But Jesus is working on my heart to help me to love my complementarian neighbor :) 
But this list is a satire of the usual reasons that are stated for why women should not be in leadership positions in the church:

10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained 

10. A man's place is in the army

9. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. They physique of men indicates that they are more suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to perform ministerial tasks.

7. Man was created before women, obviously as a prototype. Thus they represent an experiment rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.

5. Some men are handsome, and this may distract women worshippers. 

4. Pastors need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position all men should take.

1. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, and perhaps even lead the song service on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.

-Dr. David M. Scholer, former professor at Fuller Theological Seminary

Side note: a very helpful book I have read on the subject of women in ministry is Men and Women in the Church by Sarah Sumner- it is very thorough and scholarly while being personal at the same time.

Whole-hearted Living

I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability and shame, especially since I was introduced to the TED talks by Brene Brown by my counselor. She is a researcher on vulnerability and shame (I didn't even know people did that for a living!) and the way shame negatively effects all of us, and how vulnerability leads us towards love. I just started reading her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and it has been challenging me a lot, especially since this is how I generally feel about vulnerability: I DON'T LIKE IT. But in her book she talks about people she calls "the whole-hearted"- people who have come to believe in their own worthiness, and refuse to believe the lies that they are not enough. She said she found these "whole-hearted" people were able to let go of:

1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self Doubt and "Supposed To"
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "Always in Control"

Pretty much all of these hit home for me as ways of being and living that I usually don't indulge in. What does it look like for me to live whole-heartedly? How can I say no to the lies that tell me to keep holding on to these things, instead of letting them go? I'm glad for reminders like these to help me step in to whole-hearted living.

Psalm 46 and God's Sovereignty

Today I felt re-directed towards Psalm 46. This Psalm I think first came to real importance for me back in June right before my dad's surgery. We were at InterVarsity's regional conference on Catalina Island, and I was talking with another staff, Natalia, whose mom was just about to have a kidney transplant as well. She suggested that I ask God for a scripture to hold on to in the midst of the surgeries and afterwards, and Psalm 46 came to me. It says:

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam 

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease

to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the shields with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I think what stood out to me was how in the midst of the world literally falling apart, and nations being in uproar, God is still a refuge and strength, and He is still in control. He still has power to end wars and do things like melt the earth. And the repetition of God being "with us" seems to be really important- because it keeps being repeated. 

I think I've struggled with the idea that I got somehow from osmosis in Christian culture that God will end your problems and take them away, and even that God does things peacefully- while this has not often been my reality. But in this Psalm, God doesn't seem to stop "the earth giving way" or "nations being in uproar". They seem to be just stated as fact. God being present and with us and protecting us seems to be more important. To be sure, God can and does end the wars and melts the earth. But it seems to me like God is saying- "in the midst of all the craziness that is life, I'm over it all- even if it doesn't always look like it. So don't be afraid, I've got you". I think I need to be reminded of that a lot. It is not my default thought that God is sovereign in the midst of the drama of life. And I need a lot of reminders to be still and to know that He is God, and that He is with us, and with me. Keep the reminders coming, Jesus.

Thank you, Lord, for the signs that confirm you are indeed sovereign and your kingdom will always prevail. May these signs encourage us to persevere in working toward justice for all who have reason to question its possibility in this world. Amen.
-Common Prayer

Thankfulness

More and more I'm practicing and seeing the necessity of thankfulness- especially in lean times. And since Thanksgiving was just last week, its a pertinent topic. It's not my natural bent- thankfulness- but sometimes lately I've surprised myself by the times my mind just wanders towards thankfulness. That is truly God's grace, people, because (as I mentioned) it is not my natural bent. I'm still working on it though!

Here is what I'm thankful for right now:
-good friends that take time to invest in me
-God's continued mercy in dad's health
-a healthy body
-uplifting music
-the fact that I have life options
-my brothers
-the spiritual leaders and directors God has put in my life
-tea
-watching sports and the fact that they are not filled with drama
-soup

Thats just what I can think of right now. There's definitely more!

What are you thankful for? Share in the comments of this post!

Self Awareness

"There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self, and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God."
- John Calvin

Lately (as in the last couple years) I have been learning A LOT about self awareness. Before I thought I was self aware, but now I realize I really had only scratched the surface.
So much of what I have been reading and hearing has been how self awareness precedes God awareness (even from John Calvin, which I wouldn't really anticipate coming from him). I even gave a talk on it at a conference last February, but I'm still on the journey and I definitely have not mastered it.
Here's some of what I've learned:
I'm learning that you can't really love well without self-awareness.
That you can't really have compassion on others without seeing how God sees you.
That suppressing negative emotions or parts of yourself ends up suppressing the good parts of yourself as well. Apparently God wants the real me, not the idealized or "should be" me. And it definitely hurts my human relationships as well.
That self awareness is hard work, but worth it. You also begin to see those around you who are not self aware, and the negative affect it has.
That self awareness is both humbling and empowering.
That I both enjoy being different from others, but am fatigued by too much difference.
That I am both unique but also a part of a variety of collectives- and am growing to very much dislike seeing only through the lens of individualism.
That I am an EXTREMELY high feeler.
That I am full of contradictions, and I am learning to see the world beyond black and white- and live in the gray areas.

There is much more, but thats what comes up first for me. I'm still on the journey!