Dissonance

Being in the inner city brings up all kinds of things in my soul- and in the souls of the students. The most prominent experience that I've had at FUI is DISSONANCE. Especially this summer- or maybe I'm just more self aware of when I'm feeling it now than I have in the past.

DISSONANCE: any feeling of discomfort, or basically any kind of negative internal reaction

The realities of the inner city as well as the reality of living in a house with 21 other broken-but-made-in-God's-image people brings up many, many opportunities for dissonance. And add in that we are all taking Urban Ministry classes twice a week that are designed to press into the realities and needs of the inner city. And another big one for me is that we read this crazy little book called Theirs is the Kingdom that stirs up all kinds of internal struggles, because the author is speaking truth not only about the connection between the Gospel and the needs of inner cities, but really about what it means to truly follow Jesus, and not just believe in Him. All of these things combined together means that God stirs up things that are hidden deep in my soul that tend to stay buried when I live in the comforts of non-urban life in the privacy of my own world. And God is definitely doing the same among the students. I am always blown away by how much God stirs up in students when they come to FUI.

But it's good. We need it.

Here's some of my dissonance:

I'm working with junior high and high school age youth (mostly boys) at Youth for Christ, and I feel frustrated and unsure of how to respond when they don't listen or are rude to each other or to me. I know there is chaos for them at home, and responding this way to others is the only way they know how, but I often feel like I'm powerless to both be their friend and be authoritative. DISSONANCE.

My process group went out to lunch after church one week at Lola's, the greatest place for us to eat on our $35 a week budget (2 tacos for $1.50!). A homeless man who clearly had a mental handicap forcefully asked us for money, and after we got our food and sat down, asked Nathan if he could have a bite of his torta. Then he asked me for my food. I responded in a way that basically was an attempt to meet his need and get him to stop bothering us. DISSONANCE. But we had just read in Theirs is the Kingdom so many vignettes about how Jesus calls us to connect with "the least of these" and to even give reckless without thinking about whether or not those we are giving to are "truly worthy poor".

A woman who looked like she may have had some drug issues came in with about 5 kids to YFC one very hot day when we were watching a movie to escape the heat. Gabe, the YFC staff, had to tell them the woman and her kids couldn't come back, because the YFC higher-ups said kids under 10 were a liability. But I knew they were going home to a home with partying and drugs, and it didn't sit right with me that an organization had to make calls like that, even though I knew there were valid reasons why. DISSONANCE.

I've got my own insecurities, but I'm called to love the students first and I know I can't put my own social needs or preferences first. I'm staff and not a student, but this summer I have felt the separation and distance between myself and the students more than before. Hanging out takes more effort and initiative on my part. DISSONANCE.

Issues of race and ethnicity always come up a lot for me- especially being biracial. An African-American man who I met at a church service came to hang out at the Pink House, and after a short interaction, he had to ask me what my ethnicity was. Then up came my biracial insecurities and frustration with feeling I have to prove my blackness. DISSONANCE.

There are more, but I know that Jesus is right there in every feeling of dissonance, and has things that He wants to show me through them. I continue to see God use me even in the midst of my dissonance to help pastor students through their own dissonance. I'm always learning.