Enneagram Type 4

Tips for Type Four

• Do not pay so much attention to your feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, as you probably already know. Remember this advice: “From our present perspective, we can also see that one of the most important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves they must understand their feelings, particularly their negative ones, before acting. Fours do not see that the self is not the same as its feelings or that the presence of negative feelings does not preclude the presence of good in themselves” (Personality Types, p. 172). Always remember that your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this particular moment, not necessarily more than that.
• Avoid putting off things until you are “in the right mood.” Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not “find yourself” in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with the real world.
• Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of good. You may never feel that you are ready to take on a challenge of some sort, that you always need more time. (Fours typically never feel that they are sufficiently “together,” but they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.) Even if you start small, commit yourself to doing something that will bring out the best in you.
• A wholesome self-discipline takes many forms, from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes from yourself, a healthy self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the other hand, sensuality, excessive sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasizing have a debilitating effect on you, as you already know. Therefore, practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it.
• Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic. These conversations are essentially unreal and at best only rehearsals for action—although, as you know, you almost never say or do what you imagine you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

“Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.” 
― Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Merton Prayer

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton

Top 10 Books from My Time on Staff

As I am wrapping up my time on staff and start looking back over the last 3 years, I notice that there has been a lot of change in my life- good, bad, and undecided. But books seem to be the things that permeate and leave deep traces in my heart and mind, and have been some of my most influential shapers. God has spoken to me quite a bit through these books, and I think they are books everybody should read at some point in their lives (my own humble opinion).
So here they are, the top 10 books from my time on staff- AKA Books I Think Everybody Should Read.

1. A Long Obedience in the Same Direction: Discipleship in an Instant Society
by Eugene Peterson

This was one of the 10 (yes, 10- one for each day) books given to us at the Orientation for New Staff I attended in June 2010. I read it that summer, and it was deeply encouraging to me. Peterson basis each chapter after a key attribute in each of the Psalms of Ascents, and he basically describes the process God uses to shape us- and it is a slow and deliberate one. This is contrary to our culture (and to what I would prefer), because I like things to be fixed quickly. But his book helps to remind me that God's ways are not mine, but they are good even if they are uncomfortable for me.

2. Theirs is the Kingdom: Celebrating the Gospel in Urban America
by Robert Lupton

I read this for the first time the summer I did FUI as a student in 2009, but I re-read it each summer I staffed FUI in 2011 and 2012. Each chapter is only 2-3 pages, and each tells a story that deals with an aspect of urban ministry. Lupton poignantly connects the Gospel to everyday life- particularly how it pertains to "the least of these." I think it is one of the most compelling explanations of the Gospel I've read- it challenges anyone who reads it, but in a way that is very tangible and understandable. One of my friends said he gave it to a friend who is considering Jesus, and I think it is the perfect book for that. It makes Jesus look really good- but in a real and honest way, one that makes you self-reflect and inspires you to action at the same time.

3. The Human Condition
by Thomas Keating

Both of the summers I staffed FUI, Todd Minturn (the FUI director) had the staff choose one of four books that related to the concept of True Self/False Self as part of our staff development. This was the first book I chose, and it is small and short but incredibly deep. It is one of those books that I probably need to re-read about 45 times to really grasp all of it. Keating challenged me to really look inside of myself to what God is doing, and not keep trying to change and look for answers on the outside- since, as he says, "the key is lost inside the house" even though we like to look outside because there is more light out there. This book really helped me to reframe the way I looked at my spiritual life and circumstances- it kind of blows my mind/heart.

4. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
by Susan Cain

Even though it is not an explicitly Christian book, this book was incredibly shame-relieving for me. Cain explains the "extroverted ideal" that our culture holds, and why the very needed and real gifts introverts hold are often down-played or overlooked- even by introverts themselves. She talks about how introverts brains are actually wired differently from extroverts- and this has implications for learning (group collaboration not being helpful), work, and relationships. As I was reading it, I felt like she was explaining me and my relationships, and it was so affirming and liberating. It is very well researched, and she interviews a very wide variety of people. I'm still pondering the idea of "the orchid principle"- that many people (extroverts) are like dandelions, and they can grow fairly well in almost any environment. But introverts are like orchids- put in the wrong environment, and they will not grow at all. Given the right environment, however, they will flourish - sometimes even more than extroverts. I've been thinking about that quite a lot lately- in relation to myself, but also thinking about urban settings, and the implications of that idea on introverts in the inner city. Basically, this book is fantastic, and anyone who is an introvert, or an extrovert who loves or works with an introvert, needs to read it. It will help explain a lot.

5. Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?
by Beverley Daniel Tatum

Written by a psychologist on the development of racial identity, Tatum describes racial identity in general, then goes through the development stages for each ethnic group- including multi-racial people. It was very helpful for me in thinking about my own ethnic identity, but also in thinking about those around me. The stages she describes have implications for how we look at and relate to each other, and how we can navigate through the complexities of all the diverse people we will come across and that are in our lives. It is probably especially helpful for parents and teachers (because it goes through the different age stages) but I think everyone has and needs to ask questions about race that most of us are thinking but are afraid to ask.

6. Falling Upwards: A Spirituality of the Two Halves of Life
by Richard Rohr

Todd Minturn (former FUI director) first introduced me to Richard Rohr when I staffed FUI in 2011, and I am very grateful he did. I have needed the insight and the way Rohr looks at life and faith- a way that is beyond black and white and lives in the gray areas, and that is familiar and fine with imperfections and mystery. In this book he explains the two halves of life- that in the first half of life we are busy building our containers and our boundaries, following laws and finding our group and our jobs and our spouses. Some people stay in the 1st half of life forever- exemplified by black and white, Ten Commandments type of thinking. Some people move forward into the second half of life- and it usually takes either great love or great suffering to move them forward. In the second half of life you realize that all the containers that you have constructed in the first half of life have to be moved past. Not abandoned, but not constrained by. Its much more gray area, Beatitudes kind of thinking- and it is much deeper and more spacious, and it is actually what Jesus is inviting us into. It is another book that I need to read another 30 times to fully grasp, but it has been a great support for me in the midst of a lot of chaos and transition.

7. The Holy Longing: The Search for a Christian Spirituality
by Ronald Rolheiser

Like Rohr, Rolheiser is a Catholic priest, and they seem to be much more comfortable with paradox and mystery than Protestants- and it has spoken to me where I am right now. This book looks at all the aspects of Christian spirituality: private prayer and morality, attention to heart and spirit, social justice, and community- and says that they are all necessary. All of these I've heard before, but he explains it in a way that is both understandable and fresh. It really makes you self-reflect. My favorite chapter is "The Spirituality of the Paschal Mystery" which talks about the need to imitate Jesus' death and resurrection in the different deaths that we experience in our lives. In the midst of the deaths of our youth, dreams, etc, how can we let it go, and receive the new spirit for the life we are now living? So helpful in the midst of transition, and the book in general gives a refreshing way to look at the Christian life.

8. The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom
by Henri Nouwen

The title is intense, but Nouwen never shies away from real, hard stuff. All of the books of his that I have read have been very deep and very practical at the same time. He is vulnerable and honest with his own struggles, which helps me think about how I can be vulnerable and honest with mine. In this book, he gives one page encouragements for anyone who is going through anything. They have been so encouraging to me, and reading one or two before going to sleep or as a devotional is incredibly helpful. I lent it to a student who was going through some hard things and wrestling with some tough questions, and she said it refreshed her every time she read it, and helped keep her afloat. Nouwen knows from experience what is needed in hard times.

9. Disintegration: The Splintering of Black America
by Eugene Robinson

This book was suggested at the first InterVarsity Black Staff Conference I went to in 2011, and the leadership said any staff who wanted it they would buy it for. And I'm glad I got it, as it was helpful for me to think about the new paradigm of black students I was trying to reach. Robinson talks about how their used to be one black America- unified in ideology and experience. Since the 1960's and 70's, that has been slowly morphing into four Black Americas- and they all see and experience the world very differently. There is what he calls the Mainstream- or the growing Black middle class- which most of the rest of America doesn't know exists, but is very present. Then there is the Abandoned, or the forgotten poor. There is the Transcendent, or the wealthy black class. And finally there is the Emergent, which is the growing African immigrant population, as well as the growing multi-racial population. Robinson talks about how each of these groups has a different definition of what "blackness" is, and yet all are still trying to hold on to the idea that there is one definition of blackness. But that doesn't work anymore, and so we all need to reshape how we see blackness, and by doing so we can see from each others' perspectives, and help those in need. Such a helpful book.

10. Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith
by Anne Lamott

I really don't know why it took me so long to discover Anne Lamott, but I picked up one of her books at our friend's cabin in 2011, and I read it in about 3 days. All her books are funny, witty, insightful, crude, deep, and touching all at the same time. She is an unabashed raging liberal, and she is honest and makes you want to be her friend. Her books have been good for me to read, because they are just about life and don't make you think too much like a lot of the books on my list do. They help you see yourself with real eyes, but in a way that makes you want to- it is do-able and not scary somehow. Each of her books are just a collection of stories from her own life, and it is hard to pick the one I like best. But I read Traveling Mercies on the plane to Panama in 2012, so I think it was one of the more memorable ones for me. Her books make me feel like its ok to be me, and that God is one who is quite alright with all of me as well: the good and the bad, the stuff I wish were different but may never be, and the stuff that I'm proudest of. And they are easy to re-read.

A Lesson in Identity

From March 5-8, I had the privilege of attending InterVarsity's annual Black Campus Ministries Staff Conference in Raleigh, North Carolina. It was an incredibly refreshing experience. It felt like family, and the content was literally amazing. Reverend Jackie Thompson (from Allen Temple Baptist Church in Oakland) preached in the mornings, and it was food for our souls. Some highlights for me: She first preached out of 1 Kings 19 when Elijah was complaining to God after a big ministry success, and God called him to anoint Elisha as the next prophet. She said "sometimes God doesn't deal with your feelings, He just gives you a new action plan." The next day she taught out of Mark 5 and the bleeding woman who touched Jesus' cloak, and what spoke to me was when she said "Sometimes God allows things to stay in our life to change us." It was some good stuff. And I was amazed that she taught the whole time with zero notes. I do not have that gift.

A highlight of the conference for me was on the first day when we broke up in to groups to talk about reaching Black students on campus in all their diversity. We joined the group that we felt we could contribute the most to, and the options were: African-Americans in a Black context, African-Americans in a non-Black context, African nationals, Caribbeans, Historically Black College and University (HBCU) students, and Multi-Racial students. I joined the Multi-Racial student group, and 5 of us sat down and thought about: What is the religious context of our group? What are the cultural values? What are the influential voices or poets? What are the stumbling blocks to the Gospel for this group? And what are potential bridges to the Gospel?
It was fascinating to think about, and it also helped me learn more about myself as a Multi-Racial person. We talked about how often community can be a struggle for Multi-Racial people. I didn't realize it until that moment, but I realized how when I walk in to a room full of new people, immediately my "radar" goes on. Will I be "enough" to this person? Or to this person? Will this person or group be able to handle my complexity? Or will they only see me from a limited perspective? We as Multi-Racial people often anticipate rejection or feeling outside a group, and therefore we anticipate isolation.
We talked about how absolutes can be a struggle for Multi-Racial people, because that is not their reality- it isn't their experience. This can be a stumbling block to the Gospel, because God is an absolute. But it helps me and I think many other Multi-Racial students when faith and following God is presented in a way that makes room for complexity, and is not stuck in black and white thinking. The experience and need for complexity can also be a bridge to the Gospel, and has been for me, because of course, Jesus can handle my complexity, where few others can. It makes a big difference to me when a community can handle my complexity too.But I think Americans need to get used to this complexity and tension, because by 2050 Multi-Racial people will be 20% of the US population. We're growing. Fast.
What has been a struggle for me at times has been that when I am in majority Black contexts, I can get the feeling of being "not enough". But many times when I am in majority culture (white) contexts, my ethnicity is completely disregarded and seen as unimportant, when it is of immense importance to me, and very much colors how I live and see the world, and who God has made me to be. So it can feel like I am not fully seen or understood.  It is always a blessing for me when neither of those scenarios occur. Unfortunately it tends to be a pleasant surprise, and not the norm.


Each group presented the material they came up with, and it was so amazing to see the incredible diversity that exists within Black people, and the challenges and opportunities that exist for reaching the diversity of Black students on campus.

But it was also very good for me to learn more about myself.

On the plane trips to and from the conference I was also reading Beverly Daniel Tatum's "Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?" which is a psychologist and a professors' discussion of the process of racial identity development. Fascinating, and so helpful. Everyone should probably read that book. I don't know what's taken me so long to read it, since we always have students read the chapter about White identity development at FUI.

Culture and ethnicity are so fascinating to me, and so important for me to discover who I am and what that means for living in this world.

10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained

I feel like most of what I do on this blog is post interesting things that other people write... some of that may come from my history degree: we were taught to look through sources to find pieces that we wanted to include in our original writing. So here's me putting my degree to work!
I saw this post by Eugene Cho (who is an amazing pastor in Seattle that I saw speak at a Fuller justice conference I went to in 2011- he has a great blog: http://eugenecho.com/) on Sojourners website (also awesome: http://sojo.net/) and it made me laugh. Women in ministry is the one of the few topics I get slightly militant about. This has gotten me into trouble in the past. But Jesus is working on my heart to help me to love my complementarian neighbor :) 
But this list is a satire of the usual reasons that are stated for why women should not be in leadership positions in the church:

10 Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained 

10. A man's place is in the army

9. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.

8. They physique of men indicates that they are more suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to perform ministerial tasks.

7. Man was created before women, obviously as a prototype. Thus they represent an experiment rather than the crowning achievement of creation.

6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.

5. Some men are handsome, and this may distract women worshippers. 

4. Pastors need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.

3. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.

2. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position all men should take.

1. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, and perhaps even lead the song service on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.

-Dr. David M. Scholer, former professor at Fuller Theological Seminary

Side note: a very helpful book I have read on the subject of women in ministry is Men and Women in the Church by Sarah Sumner- it is very thorough and scholarly while being personal at the same time.

Whole-hearted Living

I've been thinking a lot about vulnerability and shame, especially since I was introduced to the TED talks by Brene Brown by my counselor. She is a researcher on vulnerability and shame (I didn't even know people did that for a living!) and the way shame negatively effects all of us, and how vulnerability leads us towards love. I just started reading her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead and it has been challenging me a lot, especially since this is how I generally feel about vulnerability: I DON'T LIKE IT. But in her book she talks about people she calls "the whole-hearted"- people who have come to believe in their own worthiness, and refuse to believe the lies that they are not enough. She said she found these "whole-hearted" people were able to let go of:

1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self Doubt and "Supposed To"
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "Always in Control"

Pretty much all of these hit home for me as ways of being and living that I usually don't indulge in. What does it look like for me to live whole-heartedly? How can I say no to the lies that tell me to keep holding on to these things, instead of letting them go? I'm glad for reminders like these to help me step in to whole-hearted living.

Psalm 46 and God's Sovereignty

Today I felt re-directed towards Psalm 46. This Psalm I think first came to real importance for me back in June right before my dad's surgery. We were at InterVarsity's regional conference on Catalina Island, and I was talking with another staff, Natalia, whose mom was just about to have a kidney transplant as well. She suggested that I ask God for a scripture to hold on to in the midst of the surgeries and afterwards, and Psalm 46 came to me. It says:

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam 

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease

to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the shields with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I think what stood out to me was how in the midst of the world literally falling apart, and nations being in uproar, God is still a refuge and strength, and He is still in control. He still has power to end wars and do things like melt the earth. And the repetition of God being "with us" seems to be really important- because it keeps being repeated. 

I think I've struggled with the idea that I got somehow from osmosis in Christian culture that God will end your problems and take them away, and even that God does things peacefully- while this has not often been my reality. But in this Psalm, God doesn't seem to stop "the earth giving way" or "nations being in uproar". They seem to be just stated as fact. God being present and with us and protecting us seems to be more important. To be sure, God can and does end the wars and melts the earth. But it seems to me like God is saying- "in the midst of all the craziness that is life, I'm over it all- even if it doesn't always look like it. So don't be afraid, I've got you". I think I need to be reminded of that a lot. It is not my default thought that God is sovereign in the midst of the drama of life. And I need a lot of reminders to be still and to know that He is God, and that He is with us, and with me. Keep the reminders coming, Jesus.

Thank you, Lord, for the signs that confirm you are indeed sovereign and your kingdom will always prevail. May these signs encourage us to persevere in working toward justice for all who have reason to question its possibility in this world. Amen.
-Common Prayer

Thankfulness

More and more I'm practicing and seeing the necessity of thankfulness- especially in lean times. And since Thanksgiving was just last week, its a pertinent topic. It's not my natural bent- thankfulness- but sometimes lately I've surprised myself by the times my mind just wanders towards thankfulness. That is truly God's grace, people, because (as I mentioned) it is not my natural bent. I'm still working on it though!

Here is what I'm thankful for right now:
-good friends that take time to invest in me
-God's continued mercy in dad's health
-a healthy body
-uplifting music
-the fact that I have life options
-my brothers
-the spiritual leaders and directors God has put in my life
-tea
-watching sports and the fact that they are not filled with drama
-soup

Thats just what I can think of right now. There's definitely more!

What are you thankful for? Share in the comments of this post!

Self Awareness

"There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self, and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God."
- John Calvin

Lately (as in the last couple years) I have been learning A LOT about self awareness. Before I thought I was self aware, but now I realize I really had only scratched the surface.
So much of what I have been reading and hearing has been how self awareness precedes God awareness (even from John Calvin, which I wouldn't really anticipate coming from him). I even gave a talk on it at a conference last February, but I'm still on the journey and I definitely have not mastered it.
Here's some of what I've learned:
I'm learning that you can't really love well without self-awareness.
That you can't really have compassion on others without seeing how God sees you.
That suppressing negative emotions or parts of yourself ends up suppressing the good parts of yourself as well. Apparently God wants the real me, not the idealized or "should be" me. And it definitely hurts my human relationships as well.
That self awareness is hard work, but worth it. You also begin to see those around you who are not self aware, and the negative affect it has.
That self awareness is both humbling and empowering.
That I both enjoy being different from others, but am fatigued by too much difference.
That I am both unique but also a part of a variety of collectives- and am growing to very much dislike seeing only through the lens of individualism.
That I am an EXTREMELY high feeler.
That I am full of contradictions, and I am learning to see the world beyond black and white- and live in the gray areas.

There is much more, but thats what comes up first for me. I'm still on the journey!

Words to Build a Life On

I heard this song for the first time this past weekend at Convergence church in west Oakland, and I really loved it. It challenges me and inspires me to really take Jesus' words to heart, and how that can radically change how I look at the people and the world around me.

"Words to Build a Life On"
by Mike Crawford

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed are the poor
Blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones
Who can barely speak

Blessed in your hurt
Blessed in your pain
Blessed when your teardrops
Are falling down like rain

Blessed when you’re broken
Blessed when you’re blind
Blessed when you’re fragile
When you have lost your mind

Blessed when you’re desperate
Blessed when you’re scared
Blessed when you’re lonely
Blessed when you’ve failed

Blessed when you’re beat up
Blessed when you’re bruised
Blessed when you’re tore down
Blessed when you’re used

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re heartbroke
Blessed when you’re fired
Blessed when you’re choked up
Blessed when you’re tired

Blessed when the plans
That you so carefully laid
End up in the junkyard
With all the trash you made

Blessed when you feel like
Giving up the ghost
Blessed when your loved ones
Are the ones who hurt you most

Blessed when you lose your
Own identity
Then blessed when you find it
And it has been redeemed

Blessed when you see what
Your friends can never be
Blessed with your eyes closed
Then blessed you see Me

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most

Blessed when you’re put down
Because of me you’re dissed
Because of me you’re kicked out
They take you off their list

You know you’re on the mark
You know you’ve got it right
You are to be my salt
You are to be my light

So bring out all the flavor
In the feast of this My world
And light up all the colors
Let the banner be unfurled

Shout it from the rooftops
Let the trumpets ring
Sing your freaking lungs out
Jesus Christ is King!

Jesus is my Savior
Jesus is divine
Jesus is my answer
Jesus is my life

These are words to build a life on
These are Your words how can they be mine
These are words to build a life on
These are Your words I want them to be mine

Give us ears that we may hear them
voice that we may sing them
life that we may live them
hope that we may give them
hearts that we can feel them
eyes that we can see them
thoughts that we may think them
tongues that we may speak Your words

How to Care for Introverts

My friend Mattie sent this to me, and it is a little bit true...

On Being OK with Going with the Flow

Something you learn quickly when engaging in the inner city: time runs differently here than in corporate and suburban America. Things like quick changes of plan, lack of plan, lateness, and waiting and uncertainty are commonplace- and that is not the world that most of the students here at FUI and myself interact with in our normal lives.
My personality (I'm borderline P & J on the Myers Briggs, so I don't usually freak out about no plans- although I do from time to time) as well as being accustomed to things like CP Time (people of color time- dad always loved to talk about that :) makes me a little less likely to freak out at the way things are here, but it has made me a little nervous from time to time. But you just gotta learn to go with it.

One of my favorite things about this summer has been going to the every other Saturday gatherings of On Ramps Covenant Church in Dickie Park. Pastors Phil and Rici Skei started this church in the Lowell Neighborhood where they live in October, and they have been having church in the park on every other Saturday night since then. Rici said "We don't have a building, and we aren't planning on getting one anytime soon." There is worship at the beginning with fun music and flags for the kids, and people just stop by because its fun and loud and intriguing. Every time I walk in I can just feel the Holy Spirit there in the park, and it makes me tear up. People of all ages and all walks of life are there, and you kind of never know what people will do, but Phil and Rici know how to go with the flow.

Worship in the park (led by Rici)

Pastor Phil administering baptisms in a blow up pool

Last Saturday 7 people from the church were baptized, and they are always open to adding more to the list of people they meet in the park or anywhere else in the neighborhood. There is always a short teaching by someone from the leadership team while the kids play on a blow up waterslide, and I was blown away by how powerful and relevant the teaching was for the people listening- and for me too! Pray is available for anyone anytime throughout the evening, and they always give food to anyone who wants it. It has been so good for me and the FUI students to see, we are so blessed each time we go. You never know what will happen- but God always moves.

The past 2 days I have been helping with Vacation Bible School that is a partnership between First Presbyterian (whose facilities and curriculum we use- well, a modified curriculum), On Ramps, and Bethany Inner City Churches. We basically canvased the neighborhood and invited any one and everyone to come, because at this VBS there is a class for moms, which is so incredible I can barely stand it. I got to go out and knock on doors and invite people to come last week with Angie, a member of On Ramps, and also is the teacher for the 7th and 8th grade girls, the group myself and FUI staff Lauren are helping with. 

Angie, Lauren and me

Angie is a perfect example of what it looks like to go with the flow here. She has quite the testimony and background which she is always free to share about her gang affiliated and drug use past, and how God has saved her from all that. Lauren and I went to a couple of the planning meetings the past couple weeks (which definitely were examples of culture clash- very interesting) and last week we talked about meeting up with Angie to plan for what we would teach. Angie didn't seem too worried, and she didn't show up the day we planned to meet. She said "I'm not really the planning type person, we'll just see what comes up". I thought this was kind of funny actually, and Lauren was freaking out a little bit, but we just were gonna try to go with the flow.

And go with the flow it has been! We're supposed to be following a schedule about when to go to games and skits and snacks. Angie's not too worried about following it. There are supposed to be memory verses that the lessons are based on, but Angie has mostly been sharing her testimony and having an opportunity for the girls to share. She'll decide to change something in the moment, and say whatever comes up for her, but it is totally just who she is. Me and Lauren were a little nervous because we felt like there was some missed opportunity with not focusing on the lesson more, but we're learning to give up control. And anyways, the girls can totally relate to her story, as most of them have heartbreaking stories of their own. God is doing work I believe, and none of it has come from a planned curriculum. And I love working with Angie too- being around her and her speaking her mind and her quirks and genuine-ness, she's hard not to love.

I have also loved getting to know the girls better as we make duct tape wallets (why, I'm not sure, Angie wanted to- and the girls love it) and talk about whatever.

Angie sharing as we make duct tape wallets

Lauren and I with most of the 7th and 8th grade girls

FUI interns Danielle and David are working with 5th and 6th graders and with crafts at VBS this week, and they are definitely learning about going with the flow as well, and it has been fun to process it all with them. There are over 100 kids from the neighborhood and about 25 moms (today the moms class did hair and facials and makeovers, and then they talked about caring for your body as a temple on the inside and on the outside- so fantastic), being loved on and hearing God's word together- and it is definitely an inner city, go with the flow VBS. Its a beautiful thing.

kids at VBS (YFC staff Gabe is in the foreground,
Danielle and I have loved working with him this summer)

Dissonance

Being in the inner city brings up all kinds of things in my soul- and in the souls of the students. The most prominent experience that I've had at FUI is DISSONANCE. Especially this summer- or maybe I'm just more self aware of when I'm feeling it now than I have in the past.

DISSONANCE: any feeling of discomfort, or basically any kind of negative internal reaction

The realities of the inner city as well as the reality of living in a house with 21 other broken-but-made-in-God's-image people brings up many, many opportunities for dissonance. And add in that we are all taking Urban Ministry classes twice a week that are designed to press into the realities and needs of the inner city. And another big one for me is that we read this crazy little book called Theirs is the Kingdom that stirs up all kinds of internal struggles, because the author is speaking truth not only about the connection between the Gospel and the needs of inner cities, but really about what it means to truly follow Jesus, and not just believe in Him. All of these things combined together means that God stirs up things that are hidden deep in my soul that tend to stay buried when I live in the comforts of non-urban life in the privacy of my own world. And God is definitely doing the same among the students. I am always blown away by how much God stirs up in students when they come to FUI.

But it's good. We need it.

Here's some of my dissonance:

I'm working with junior high and high school age youth (mostly boys) at Youth for Christ, and I feel frustrated and unsure of how to respond when they don't listen or are rude to each other or to me. I know there is chaos for them at home, and responding this way to others is the only way they know how, but I often feel like I'm powerless to both be their friend and be authoritative. DISSONANCE.

My process group went out to lunch after church one week at Lola's, the greatest place for us to eat on our $35 a week budget (2 tacos for $1.50!). A homeless man who clearly had a mental handicap forcefully asked us for money, and after we got our food and sat down, asked Nathan if he could have a bite of his torta. Then he asked me for my food. I responded in a way that basically was an attempt to meet his need and get him to stop bothering us. DISSONANCE. But we had just read in Theirs is the Kingdom so many vignettes about how Jesus calls us to connect with "the least of these" and to even give reckless without thinking about whether or not those we are giving to are "truly worthy poor".

A woman who looked like she may have had some drug issues came in with about 5 kids to YFC one very hot day when we were watching a movie to escape the heat. Gabe, the YFC staff, had to tell them the woman and her kids couldn't come back, because the YFC higher-ups said kids under 10 were a liability. But I knew they were going home to a home with partying and drugs, and it didn't sit right with me that an organization had to make calls like that, even though I knew there were valid reasons why. DISSONANCE.

I've got my own insecurities, but I'm called to love the students first and I know I can't put my own social needs or preferences first. I'm staff and not a student, but this summer I have felt the separation and distance between myself and the students more than before. Hanging out takes more effort and initiative on my part. DISSONANCE.

Issues of race and ethnicity always come up a lot for me- especially being biracial. An African-American man who I met at a church service came to hang out at the Pink House, and after a short interaction, he had to ask me what my ethnicity was. Then up came my biracial insecurities and frustration with feeling I have to prove my blackness. DISSONANCE.

There are more, but I know that Jesus is right there in every feeling of dissonance, and has things that He wants to show me through them. I continue to see God use me even in the midst of my dissonance to help pastor students through their own dissonance. I'm always learning.

Over the Past Month...

O what a month it has been! My brother Jared donated a kidney to my dad on June 13, which needless to say was a ridiculously huge deal. It required the support of our whole family, many praying and present friends, and some amazing surgeons, nurses, and social workers at Stanford (don't believe what they tell you about surgeons being rude and unsociable, at least the Stanford ones aren't, they were incredible to us). The surgeries were long but we are grateful that the kidney started working on the operating table, and the fact that my brother's kidney is working in my dad is something I will never understand.

Jared (left), Jordan and dad post surgery. Don't be fooled, Jared is not as
disgusted as he looks

I have never spent so much time in a hospital, and even though Stanford is probably one of the best, it is a difficult place to spend a long period of time in. Jared commented (and I agree) that it would have been much too hard to do without our whole family there, and we definitely saw people in the hospital alone. It was hard to see.
My mom was caretaker for my dad and they had to stay in the Bay Area, and I was caretaker for Jared (Jordan was helpful too, he just had to go to the Bay Area Urban Project, so he was busy going to change the world) and we went home to Pacific Grove to recover, which seriously felt like we went to a retreat center. It was so nice and relaxing, and even the weather was beautiful for us. Jared recovered quickly, even though he was tired most of the time and he didn't feel great, he got better every day. We watched a lot of soccer and Sherlock Holmes, and were fed by some amazing friends from Mayflower Church. Jared's community from Servant Partners in Oakland were so supportive, and a bunch of them came to visit and bought lots of love and food. Jared felt so good by then that we went to Big Sur (Deetjen's breakfast= crazy delicious, Carmolite Hermitage = crazy beautiful and an awesome bookstore) although he avoided hiking.

Jared, Katye, and Alex at the Carmolite Hermitage

On June 25 I left Jared to deal with our dog Max and drove to Fresno for the Fresno Urban Internship. 16 college students from 3 states arrived on Wednesday, and we started with 5 days of whirlwind orientation, part of which I got to teach on how we can better interact with those who are different from us by realizing that we all have our own Frame's of Reference. It included Serge Ibaka and CP Time... you can ask me more later :) We helped tear town a house with FUND Inc, studied Nehemiah 1 and Luke 9, took a driving tour of Fresno, and ate pho, pupusas, and soul food (AKA deliciousness).
I've slowly been getting to know the 16 interns, and I've really gotten to know Danielle from Fresno State, who I work with at Youth For Christ.

Danielle (center) with junior high students (including Brian, who is crazy)
selling cookies and flower barrettes to raise money to go to camp

Danielle and I spend our weekdays hanging out with kids at YFC- playing ping pong, baking cookies, talking about Justin Bieber, and getting into their lives. Highlight for me was getting to hold a 2 month old baby :)
We've started our Urban Ministry classes this past week (learning about shalom and racial inequalities so far), and spent a whole lot of time getting to know each other in the Pink House. 4th of July was incredibly fun- we had a 2 hour long water fight, a barbeque, a dance party, and fireworks at the Fulton Mall.

FUI-ers during our epic 4th of July water battle

That is a very brief overview, and there is much more that has happened and is happening, but there will be more updates to come!
Thank you all for your prayers and support through everything, I very much appreciate it.

Welcome Prayer

I feel like all I've been doing lately has been posting prayers, but my brother showed me this one and it has been just what I've needed, although it is not easy!

The Welcoming Prayer (by Father Thomas Keating)

                                                  Welcome, welcome, welcome.

I welcome everything that comes to me today

because I know it's for my healing.

I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations, and conditions.

I let go of my desire for power and control.

I let go of my desire for affection, esteem,approval and pleasure.

I let go of my desire for survival and security.

I let go of my desire to change any situation,condition, person or myself.

I open to the love and presence of God and God's action within. Amen.

Summer Motto (At Least!)

God, give us discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that instead we may live deep within our hearts. Grant us anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of -people, so that we may wish for justice, freedom, and peace. Bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this world, so that we can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen.

Scripture Encouragement for the day

I read this today and it very much encouraged me and is what I need to hear in this season:

Luke 6:20-26


²⁰ Looking at his disciples, he said:

“Blessed are you who are poor,
    for yours is the kingdom of God. 
²¹ Blessed are you who hunger now,
    for you will be satisfied. 
Blessed are you who weep now,
    for you will laugh. 
²² Blessed are you when people hate you,
    when they exclude you and insult you 
    and reject your name as evil,
        because of the Son of Man.

²³ “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets.

²⁴ “But woe to you who are rich, 
    for you have already received your comfort. 
²⁵ Woe to you who are well fed now,
    for you will go hungry. 
Woe to you who laugh now,
    for you will mourn and weep. 
²⁶ Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you,
    for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.

Addendum to My Last Post...

So upon further review (and my friend Lawrence who said he is 6000000 percent sure I'm an INFP), it turns out that I'm pretty sure my personality type is actually still INFP, not ISFJ. Its funny though, I'm pretty sure that in taking the test again a few weeks ago, I was answering out of what my job pushes me towards. I am more of an N personality, which focuses more on big picture rather than small details, but in my job I am often forced to look at details. I am also more of a P, but as my job often forces me to be more timely and organized, professionally I am forced to be a J. Also, American culture tends to be more S and J, and so culture also presses me towards those types rather than what I truly am as an individual. Obviously it is all very nuanced and each type is on a spectrum, and I'm definitely on the border of P and J.
But I have always thought of myself as a strong N, so it was surprising to me to see when I took the test a few weeks ago that I was an S. I am definitely a big picture person, I'm not very good with details. Although I do think that the descriptions of ISFJ fit me fairly well, I think INFP fits me a little better.

About INFP's (me!):

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

I don't know why I so much love the Myers-Briggs, but I think it is fascinating and very helpful in understanding myself and others.